ISSUE 264 : Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wait just a New York minute. What is going on here? Every time I turn around the blessed institution of capitalism is getting another black eye. first it was the blow-out of Goldman Sachs followed closely by the combo fire sale/ shotgun wedding of Merrill-Lynch and BofA with million dollar bonuses all around. Bonuses for losing so much money my calculator ran out of decimal places.

Then there was the AIG fiasco, followed by another stiff round of bonuses and an elaborate corporate retreat. Can you say "Too big to fail," boys and girls? But wait, there's more. How about a round of "Bailout Bingo" on the main stage played to the tune of "Don't Cry For Me General Motors." While in the lounge we had " Jesus, Chrysler's Super-Broke."

What a year. I would say I can't wait for the other shoe to drop, but it seems like the entire centipede already landed on my equities portfolio. Is the downfall of capitalism at hand? "Hell no," I say. As far as I'm concerned the so called "masters of the universe" who are at the top of these fool chains need to be rounded up and put in the yard at Pelican Bay to be fought over by the general population.

The next in line for their jobs need to trained in the principles of classic capitalism as dictated by its leading lights, including Adam Smith, Alfred Marshall and Arianna Huffington, to wit: "You need a moral foundation in order for free markets to work. And when a company fails, it fails. It doesn't get bailed out using trillions of dollars of taxpayer money." Huff and Puff goes on to say, "What we have right now is corporatism. It's welfare for the rich. It's the government picking winners and losers. It's Wall Street having their taxpayer-funded cake and eating it too. It's socialized losses and privatized gains."

WTF? Next thing we know Michael Moore will be chiming in. Oh that's right, he did. Then the next in line for CEO should be forced to sit through Mr. Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story" His latest horror film of epic proportions, as typlified by the filmmaker using yellow police tape to cordon off the AIG Building as a crime scene.

But that's not the worst of it. It seems GM played its role to the hilt. States Mr. Moore, "General Motors said that I could not be on the premises doing any interviews or press... I would get over it if I were them... In the movie I actually try to attempt to see the new chairman to share my ideas about mass transit and other things that the General Motors factories could be building that would benefit society. ... We have 50 billion dollars of our money sitting over there. That is owned by us now. And the defacto CEO is President Barack Obama. I legally rented the four theaters to have my Detroit premiere, and yet somehow they're able to ban me from my own premiere here? What country are we living in?"

In my mind, all of this winds up to be a massive global image problem for the institution of capitalism. If any aspect of modern society was in need of a makeover it would be captalism. I'm not talking about a new look and feel. This ain't about a new type face. I'm talking about an Ivy Lee, Raymond Lowey, Paul Rand, Mary Wells Lawrence, Carl Rove, Phil Dusenberry, Bob Jones caliber redo. Stem to stern. Top to bottom.

Unfortunately, most of the folks above are dead. The rest are busy shopping. That leaves me. But I'm busy reinventing advertising and trying to save GM from itself. But in the spirit of a true capitalist, if one of you folks out there would like to retain me to rebrand and renew capitalism as it should be, I'm sure we can work something out.